First post of summer. Been home since the 2nd.

Feeling so restless, but not really. Hard to explain.

Urghhh.

Difficult to say in English, but this Thai phrase pretty much encompasses what I can’t verbalize: เสียใจ (sia jia).

It’s the general phrase for feeling sad. But, it has the connotation of profound loss. Literally it means to “lose heart or lose self.” Basically, depression.

It’s like I’m stuck in a rut and I’m just watching the days go by. I’m frozen in place. Not sure which way to head. Or perhaps, I do know, but don’t want to come to that destination.

Usually I post this as private, but for those that stumble across my blog and are doing that “finding myself” thing, I just want you to know you’re not alone.

The title of this post is the title of one of my most favorite movies (the movie is about finding a little lost fish). The little fish’s name is literally “no one” in Latin. So, it’s “finding no one” (I tend to find an underlying element of sadness in children’s movies and books, don’t you?).

When you’re trying to find yourself, you’re looking for no one. Because you didn’t go anywhere. You just changed and the present you is inconsistent with your self-view, which causes that anxious, unsettled feeling. You just need to reexamine and understand the present you, and figure out the direction(s) you desire to grow towards.

Urgggggggghhhhh =(

Easier said than done.