First post of summer. Been home since the 2nd.

Feeling so restless, but not really. Hard to explain.

Urghhh.

Difficult to say in English, but this Thai phrase pretty much encompasses what I can’t verbalize: เสียใจ (sia jia).

It’s the general phrase for feeling sad. But, it has the connotation of profound loss. Literally it means to “lose heart or lose self.” Basically, depression.

It’s like I’m stuck in a rut and I’m just watching the days go by. I’m frozen in place. Not sure which way to head. Or perhaps, I do know, but don’t want to come to that destination.

Usually I post this as private, but for those that stumble across my blog and are doing that “finding myself” thing, I just want you to know you’re not alone.

The title of this post is the title of one of my most favorite movies (the movie is about finding a little lost fish). The little fish’s name is literally “no one” in Latin. So, it’s “finding no one” (I tend to find an underlying element of sadness in children’s movies and books, don’t you?).

When you’re trying to find yourself, you’re looking for no one. Because you didn’t go anywhere. You just changed and the present you is inconsistent with your self-view, which causes that anxious, unsettled feeling. You just need to reexamine and understand the present you, and figure out the direction(s) you desire to grow towards.

Urgggggggghhhhh =(

Easier said than done.

It’s been a long time since I’ve last watched clips of Shounen Club (and fangirl Arashi and KAT-TUN), but I was watching the April 6 show today without subs. Holy fuck. I can understand what they’re saying in the MC talk!! O_O Well, the gist of it.

I am so happy. But, most importantly, I just had this revelation.

If I can to Japan next spring, I can go to a Shounen Club taping?! I can even go to concerts and see my favorite artists LIVE?!?!?! I can experience the amazingness of Tackey, Gackt, Hyde, Hikki, Ayu, etc. in person???

Excuse me while I go off and die in happiness XD

IN RL news, I think I might double minor in East Asian Studies and Corporate Strategy. And I’m still a little sick today, but better than yesterday.

Been a while since my last public post. Almost the end of my fourth semester now…!! Wow, I’m halfway through with college *mixed reaction, I really need to upload some cute emotes so I can insert them!!*

I need to get my act together and refocus and find out what I want to do in about two years. Studying abroad in Japan is my in-college dream, but I need a beyond-college dream too! Thinking about where I’m going to be going with my degree stresses me out the most.

Arggggg.

Finals coming up in at the end of the month too… gotta raise that GPA!

But the bad thing about going to Japan is that the classes I take there may not figure into my GPA since Vanderbilt is stingy and doesn’t include classes taken at another institution for their GPA calculation. So my GPA may be unrepresentative of actual achievements if a year and a half of classes doesn’t get included…

Quick recap of life after spring break:

• Started and finished Honey and Clover Jdrama (loved it, I identify so much with Takumi’s “GD What am I going to do with my life??” struggle)
• Actually started to watch Hong Gil Dong because it seems so good from reading all the summaries
• Started a bunch of new manga series (can’t remember all the names, I read so much =()
• Became Community Assistant of AASA for 2008-2009 school year!! :D
• Applied for a job (interview this Friday~)
• Found out that I really really need to help my parents pay off my student loans (so I’m thinking of trying to get more jobs, maybe juggling 3 this summer)
• Applied for an an on-campus, 2-person apartment with my roomie and got it for next year (this is great since housing was so unsure with people trying to work out so many different arrangements)
• Laptop won’t connect after spring break to my home wi-fi network BIG ISSUE
• Weather alternated between absolutely revolting and pleasant

Okay, enough for now gotta go grab some dinner then study study study! T_T

It’s snowing :D

And I have a test tomorrow.

At least next week is spring break.

I always miss these things. These unusual natural phenomena. There were a few meteor showers during the summer, and I always plan to get up at 5am and watch, but I always forget to do so. I always miss these things because I get caught up in my own life, and forget about the world around me. So I miss things because I forget.

I knew about the lunar eclipse today. But forgot about it. But, after dinner around 9pm, I walked out and there were a group of people standing in a line. They were looking up. So I looked up. And saw how red the moon was.

Wow.

It was amazing. I hear the wonderment in other people’s voices, and see it on their face. I wished that I could have seen it from beginning to end though. As I was walking, I passed small clusters of people just standing. And looking. Forgetting about their own problems and their own lives just for a moment. Just seeing. And feeling.

Living in the moment with no worries.

That’s something that we forget to do as we get older, I think.

It feels sooooo good to sleep in! =w= I have my second stats exam coming up this Friday, and I really should be studying for it (or at least catching up on readings from other classes), but I just want to relax this weekend! It always feels like I’m rushing around trying to get things done. It’s just nice to not have to worry about things or about keeping a schedule. Yes yes, all slacker talk =P But I will be hitting the library soon in a few hours.

So Asian New Year festival this year was fun. Got great seats since my friend who was performing snagged them for us. Lots of food and lots of people that I know~ During dinner they were playing Asian songs and I tried to identify the name and artist. I could recognize most haha. Wondergirl’s “Tell Me” was completely ftw. They played it twice. It was sheer awesomeness. It’s one of those songs that once you see the dance, everytime you hear it you want to do the dance. I can’t help it. The dance is really silly and cute. They’re coming to NYC to perform in that JYP concert ^^

For the hip-hop performance they used Vanness Wu (I heard the Kangta collaboration on “Scandal” too, but I think it was the Vanness version only) and Koda Kumi (they should have played “But” since it’s so dancey). Some Jay Chou (yay!) was used too, but I don’t remember which performance(s) exactly. I would consult the program I took back with me, but I think it fell out on the way back because it’s no longer here =( I’ll see if anyone has an extra one they don’t want. Being the sentimental person that I am, I like to put programs, movie/concert ticket stubs, etc. into a memory box. Oh I got addicted to Choco-Pies now =3 Blame those goodiebags they had.

The after party at Fuel was surprisingly fun too. It’s good to have many friends and acquaintances so that you’ll have enough people to dance with (even though I’m horrible) =) My only complaints were that it was so damn hot and muggy inside, and the place was really, really small so you had sweaty people rubbing up against you all the time =/ But I got to see one of my good friends from Belmont. Even though I’m still very close to Belmont, we can never get together because we’re both so busy. I walked in and went, “I know that sexy mama on stage!!” It was definitely one of those screaming “OH MY GAHHHHHHHH!” moments that I really detest, but I couldn’t help myself from doing it. Hehe. My friends and I stayed so long that we missed the shuttle (oops), but we managed to grab a cab back.

Then I got dragged along on a food run to Wendy’s because peoples were hungry at 3am. Service was so slow and there were so many people in line =_=;; Why is it that everytime I come to this Wendy’s, our orders always get messed up?! I know that people are extremely tired and stressed from working so late, but from what I’ve heard this happens a lot of the time at this one.

It was just so good to hang out with people that I don’t get to spend much time with, so I’m glad I went. I’ve been antisocial for way too long. Life’s too short. When I look back on my sophomore year in college, I want to have many good memories with my friends (most of which don’t take place in the library).

Now time to go find food before going through the formal process of waking up and getting ready for the day. Seems like it’s going to be warm this week, which is really odd since it snowed last week on the 13th. It was unexpected and very pretty, so I’m kind of sad that it’s over. I walked out 8am and was greeted with a Southern winter wonderland :D Weather this year is very weird. In February snow one week, and temperatures pushing the 60’s the next.

It has been a crazy past week dealing with a series of unfortunate events. Last week survived a tornado in the tunnel below the library with other studious peoples. I couldn’t help but think that if I died, it wouldn’t be so bad since I was with some of the people that I cared about most. It’s always a pleasant surprise running into friends at the library :) Always brightens up an otherwise typical day of studying. Because when I take study breaks, instead of wasting time on the computer reading about Korean celebrities that I don’t know/care about, I can actually go and waste time chatting! And sharing contraband food!

This Saturday one of the thing that I knew (but hoped) wouldn’t happen actually happened: my car died. Twice. The first time was when I was trying to leave the library (yes, I still go on Saturdays, I am such a badass) and it wouldn’t start. To add to my frustrations, my student ID card got blown away and under the car where I couldn’t reach it. So 1) I couldn’t move my car to get my ID 2) even if I lugged all my stuff back to my room, I couldn’t get in without my ID. So I was screwed. Maybe it was a good thing I was wearing a miniskirt as I was attempting to retrieve my card, because a passing construction worker took pity on my and offered to take a look at it (and he got my card out as well). So it’s my alternator that’s dead. The man was nice enough to go get his car and jump start mine.

I was lucky enough to go pick up a friend and as we were in the turning lane (so close to home!), my car died again. Yes. jafp[awjfpc;na;wf. It was such a good thing that another friend was following us back (we no longer had faith in the reliability of my car) and he was so nice enough to use his car to push mine across the intersection and to the gas station. And to use his emergency lights, since my car was completely dead and it was quickly turning into dusk.

We were hoping that this would be the last straw before my parents finally got me a new car. By new, I don’t mean brand spanking new, but a different car. Preferably made in this century. Because, really, I was given this car because it died on my mom and it gave her a reason to get a brand new car. But it was all wishful thinking. The verdict: it’s getting looked at sometime next week by my uncle, who’s going to replace the part. And then they’re giving it back to me to drive. Commence more spazzing.

I’ve had conversations concerning why do parents give their kids old cars for their first car. My parents’ reasoning was that new drivers will make driving mistakes and scratch up/get hit/total the car, so an old car (especially ours, where we owe nothing on it) is fine because you won’t have to worry about fixing the damages. So cheap~!! >_<;; One of my friends think that it’s sooo dangerous to give new drivers crappy cars to drive (they don’t have experience to deal with situations), but another thinks that you’ll learn to become a better driver by dealing with crappy cars. Both good points.

I’m still going to keep checking out cars on Vehix haha.

And that ends the more atypical unfortunate events. The typical ones included more bad weather off and on, Japanese grammar test Friday (B- because of stupid mistakes!! T-T), Japanese oral Monday (probably bombed it due to nerves), and personality exam 9:35 am today (nearly pulled an all-nighter for that baby!).

Despite all of those, there are still fortunate events. I got to celebrate Chinese New Year (Laotian people celebrate on the third full moon of the lunar calender according to google, I just always knew it was sometime in April) with two of my best friends and her family (lots of yummy food and I got to see Jay Chou perform for the CCTV lunar year program!!), my North Face Pumori jacket came in (although, it doesn’t keep out the wind like one reviewer stated, in which his wife wore it in the northen Georgia mountains with heavy winds, but maybe she wore it inside a shell), I’m getting over my cold, my dress coat from Yesstyle is closer to being here (it’s now being ordered from suppliers), got Jay Chou’s new album Cowboy on the Run, was shown again and again what good friends I have, got to eat lots of good home cooked meals, discovered the auto sum function in Excel (makes my life so much easier doing stats), and a few other private events.

So glad that I bought this before it sold out! Managed to snag the black (right) =) The smallest available was a 55S with a bust size of 34″, which is equivalent to US size 4-6 according to their size chart. I wear 0-2, so I was kind of concerned that it would be too big. And Yesstyle has really strict return policies (no returns except for size exchanges or damaged items)…. However, since you layer under coats, it’s recommended that you buy a size up to accommodate layers. So now my only worry is that the coat will be too long for me. The website stated that the length is 36″, but I’m 60″ (5′0), so that is at least knee-length then??

So, like big K-pop stars Rain and Se7en, Boa’s having a US debut?! But at least she kept it under wraps. Haven’t seen much from the other two yet (too much hype, and nothing to show for it).

I haven’t listened to her more recent English-version songs. The last I listened to was her renditon of “A Whole New World” from the Anyband concert in very low streaming quality, but I’m not going to count that since it wasn’t a studio version *__* So I don’t know if her English has improved vastly since, oh I don’t know, 3 or 4 years ago? I hadn’t realized that some of the words in “Lose Your Mind” were in English until I looked them up… accents are difficult to get rid of and I find them adorable (my Sang-Jang sounds so cute! =3), but her English isn’t that clear to me.

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Tomorrow is going to be some major rapage. Cognitive psychology exam 10am, Japanese grammar quiz 1pm, then quantitative methods 2pm. Then crash. Cause I’m not gonna get much sleep tonight =/ I’m hiding away in the library until closing, leaving only for food. And leaving my precious computer in my room. Cutting off all temptations. No reading manga, watching videos, perusing blogs, etc.

Ahhhh~~~ The phone is dying too so I need to run back and charge it for a bit.

As many people have said, Dell laptop batteries have a shitty life. My laptop was always plugged in except for when I used it to take notes in class. After a little over a year of constant use, life on my 6-cell Inspiron E1505 battery dropped from 4 hours to 1. Having wi-fi on severely shortens it. It was to the point where my laptop would cut off after 40 minutes, and that’s with wi-fi off and the screen on the dimmest setting. Ah, the days of taking notes in class and fretting over the time left on the battery. Some days I would be screaming at the professors (in my head of course) to hurry and flash the rest of the day’s lecture slides before my laptop died. Then, after 1 year and 5 months the battery would last 20 minutes max =/

A few weeks ago I finally got a new battery. Had to shell out $120+ for this new baby though… But, there’s nothing like sitting in bed with your laptop unplugged :) Especially if you have a lofted bed. Because those dangling cords are pretty awkward. Really, Dell. I can’t afford to pay over $100 a year for a new battery!!

So now I have to think twice about buying another Dell laptop. My parents have mentioned that they want to buy me a new one, since I’ve had a few major problems with my current one. I’ve used nothing but Dell computers, so I’m kind of hesitant to branch out there. Don’t want to touch HP either. I’ve helped my cousins fix theirs way too much throughout the years. The thing is, if I buy a new PC laptop it would come with Vista…. Pretty, but system intense. And are more programs compatible with it?! I haven’t read up on it since its initial launch, so maybe by now it’s cons have been improved.

My mom even asked me how I felt about Macs. Ooh. Very pretty. And light, weight wise :D But using them seems so counterintuitive to me. The first computers I learned to use were Macs, and for some reason I could not get the hang of them. I didn’t understand how to use a computer until we got a desktop PC. And now, when I use someone else’s Mac, I’m so lost. Windows just seem so straightforward to me. I simply like how everything is structured. However, since Macs can run Windows now… I will definitely look into it O:)

OhIamsofreakingbehind :O Yes I should get back to studying. But “music is my life” (sorry Epik High and SG Wannabe) =P

Their latest Japanese album T was released just last week, and even though I’m not a rabid fan (yet, since I haven’t allowed myself to ferment in DBSK fandom), I’m still rather excited. The few songs that I previewed sound good, and I really liked Last Angel with Koda Kumi (the album version is Koda Kumi-less). I have their past 2 Japanese albums, Heart, Mind and Soul and Five in the Black. Both were good, but I liked HMS a lot better. The bonus acoustic tracks were really nice since they have such beautiful voices *_*

Looks like it might be awhile before I can listen to the album though. My connection is so slow today.

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On a personal aside (I am too lazy to make a separate entry), I tore my last contact =( Yes yes, very sad. It was actually more frustrating since I had spent so long cleaning it, then suddenly tore it cleanly in two. I had to spend the next half hour hunting for any pair of contacts (I sometimes had old pairs in old cases scattered about), and finally found one. Huzzah! After cleaning that glorious pair for an eternity, I could finally put them in without burning my eyes xD

… oh crap I just realized that my eye doctor’s office just closed. I was going to order them today but got sidetracked.

Erg. And I need to order my new yoga pants from Victoria’s Secret too, since the semi-annual sale online ends tomorrow. Nice of them to send me an email to remind me :)